Stories or Advice
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her,
“I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life
at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She’s such a bitch.
(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2008)
If you don’t read these you’ll miss a good laugh!!!!!!
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
“Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”
I mentally polished my halo, while I asked,
“No, how are we alike?”
“You’re both old,” he replied.
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It was Palm Sunday, and because of a sore throat, five year old Billy stayed home from church with a sitter. When his family returned home they were carrying several palm fronds. Billy asked what they were for? His parents replied,
“People held them over Jesus’ s head as He walked by.”
“Wouldn’t you know it,” Billy fumed,
“The one Sunday I don’t go to church, HE shows up!”
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One Easter Sunday as the minister was preaching the children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.
He pointed to the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?”
“I know,” a little boy exclaimed, “pantyhose!”
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Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, “39 and holding.”
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said,
“And how old would you be if you let go?”
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A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was going down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, ROAR, step, ROAR, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
“I was being the ring bear.”
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One Sunday in a midwest city, a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation,
“Pray for me! Pray for me!”
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One particular four-year old prayed,
“And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
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A little boy was overheard praying:
“Lord, if you can’ t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it.. I’m having a real good time like I am.”
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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,
“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied,
“Because people are sleeping.”
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A little boy opened the big, old family bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.
Then something fell out of the bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered,
“It’s Adam’s suit.”
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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,
“If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”
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Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had enough.
“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
“See those two men standing by the door?
They’re hushers.”
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A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James virgin?”
(EMAIL CIRCA 2009)
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces on the hunt for Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
sitting on your ass,
at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice !!
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.
“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, please come to my house!”
“But sir, I have a wife and four children…”
Bring them along!” the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said,
“Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.”
The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!”
(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2008)
The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year’s (2005) winners:
1. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
2. Ignoranus:
A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.
11 Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon:
It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.):
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido:
All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.):
Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.):
The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2006)
Stuff My Mom Forwards 