When it comes to diaper duty, some fathers go to the extremes before changing a diaper.
Daddy my Diaper!
#GagReflex
FORWARD THIS TO ALL THE POOR FATHER”S OUT THERE WHO STRUGGLE TO COMPLETE THIS SIMPLE TASK!
(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2008)
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by surprising them wearing black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask. After a few days they meet up for lunch and compare notes... The engaged woman:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said,
"You are the woman of my life. I love you." Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. The married woman:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2008)
Forward this too everyone who has ever been married or engaged!
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.
“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, please come to my house!”
“But sir, I have a wife and four children…”
Bring them along!” the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said,
“Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.”
The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!”
(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2008)
A Mulligan
Some of these may be repeats so I’ll take a Mulligan.
The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’
The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped.’
The priest said, ‘Rubbing is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see
that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the
poor box.’
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that.
You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’
The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering
the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’
The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven’
The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
me seven times.’
The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a
glass and then drink the juice..’
The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’
The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, ‘You’re
beautiful.’ Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side A
few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, ‘You’re cute..’ The
wife was disappointed because instead of ‘beautiful,’ it was now ‘cute.’
She asked, ‘What happened to beautiful?’
The man replied, ‘The drugs are wearing off.’
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead… Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor
creature?’
Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church…. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the
creature.’
Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?’
Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?
Donation
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times.’
Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’
Man: ‘What sins?’
Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’
Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’
Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’
Man: ‘I’m 92 years old ….. I’m telling everybody!’
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young
girl for the night. Â Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how
old he is.
‘I’m 90 years old,’ he says.
’90!’ replies the woman. ‘Don’t you realize you’ve had it?’
‘Oh, sorry,’ says the old man. ‘How much do I owe you?’
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, ‘Doc, I think I’m getting
senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.’
‘That’s not senility,’ replied the doctor. ‘Senility is when you forget to
zip down.’
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him
in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet.
‘Who are you?’ he asked him.
‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator.
‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.
‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man
replied.
‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards!’
Marriage Humour
Wife: Â Â Â Â Â ‘What are you doing?’
Husband: Â Â Â Nothing.
Wife:      ‘Nothing…?  You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’
Husband: Â Â Â ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’
——————————-
Wife : Â Â Â ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband: Â Â Â ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife: Â Â Â Â Â ‘Yes or no.’
——————————————————–
Girl: Â Â Â ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.’
Boy: Â Â Â ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or
troubles.’
Girl:     ‘Well, that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
——————————
Son: Â Â Â ‘Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.’
Mom: Â Â ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son: Â Â Â ‘But mom, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father
hadn’t left me a fortune?’
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO
LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’
————————————————————
A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my
sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of
humor!’
_____
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head
with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked.
The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it
that I found in your pants pocket’.
The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of
the horse I bet on’
The wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head
with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. ‘Your horse phoned’
Let us pray…………………
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk
Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that IÂ was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief!
Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
FORWARD this onto all those hardworking women you know! Â As well as the ungrateful men!
(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2006)
Stuff My Mom Forwards 