FWD: American Idiots

Spread the Stupidity

Only in  America ……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

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Only in  America …..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

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Only in  America ……do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

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Only in  America ……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

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Only in  America ……….do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..

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Only in  America …..do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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EVER WONDER …

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

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Why can’t women    put on mascara with their mouth closed?

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Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

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Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

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Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

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Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

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Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

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I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)…in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while..
Spread the Stupidity!

FWD: Friend In Need

WHY FRIENDS ARE NECESSARY!

This was just too good to let it pass by…..

“Friends may not be able to PULL you up….BUT, THEY will still think of ways not to let you FALL….”

Thanks for being My FRIEND

(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2008)

FWD: Running On Empty

SISTER MARY ANN’S GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street..

One of them turned to the other and said,
‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’!!

(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2011)

 

 

In God we trust!
IF YOU SEE SOMEBODY WITHOUT A SMILE, GIVE THEM ONE OF YOURS.

FWD: Only In Louisiana

Ol’ Bessie

In Louisiana , this fella, Boudreaux, had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux.

Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, “I’m fine”? the lawyer asked.

Boudreaux responded, “Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . ”

I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted.
“Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, “I’m fine!”?

Boudreaux said, “I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . .”

The lawyer interrupted again and! said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”

Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, “I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder.. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o’ terrible shape just by her groans.”

“Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin’ and groanin’ so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes.

“Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said ‘How are you feeling?'”

“Now what da hell would you say?!”

#rednecks
(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2008)

FWD: 30 Reasons

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

 6. Don’t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

 

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19. Procrastinate Now!

20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24.They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

Have A Nice Day!

(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2006)