FWD: Government Protection

NEW GOVERNMENT SYMBOL ANNOUNCED

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn’t get more accurate than that!

FORWARD this to all of your friends who like to spread their political views with whoever crosses their path.

(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2009)

 

FWD: TOP TEN

INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS
CHANGED TO OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE PLAN!

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudge cycles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is “an apple a day.”

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is “embalming.”

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’VE JOINED OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE WITH A PULSE!

(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2009)

 

FWD: Hot Potato

EXERCISE  FOR PEOPLE OVER 40 

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of  room at each side.  With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.  Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.  Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.  (I’m at this  level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

Forward this onto those couch potato’s in your life.  This is the perfect work out for them.

(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2009)

FWD: Happy Punday!

Computer mouse caught in a mouse trap (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD

 

Hangover: Is the wrath of grapes.

 

Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

 

Crick:  The sound that a Japanese camera makes

 

Alarms: What an octopus is.

 

Dockyard: A physician’s garden.

 

Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

 

Pasteurize: Too far to see.

 

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

 

Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.

 

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative

 

Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

 

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

 

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

 

If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?

 

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

 

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

 

Banning the bra was a big flop.

 

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

 

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

 

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

 

Without geometry, life is pointless.

 

When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

 

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

 

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

 

 

 

Happy Monday!  Forward this onto everyone who could use a laugh!

 

FWD: Presidents Day

COFFEE HURTS

I was eating lunch with my 6-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?”

She said,
“It’s President’s Day!”

She is a smart kid. So, I asked
“What does President’s Day mean?”

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.

She replied,
“President’s Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment.”

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose…

 

Forward this on regardless of your political associations!

Related articles

• Presidents Day isn’t a national holiday (but is a boon to car sales) (constitutioncenter.org)
• Presidents Day is celebrated throughout the United States (examiner.com)