FWD: Different Perspecitives

Your Side of Things

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,

“Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with  a hot 25 year- old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year-old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”

Well, my wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a  hot 25 year-old blonde and she would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.

FORWARD THIS TO ALL THE MEN WHO NEED AN EYE OPENER!

(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2006)

FWD: Gone Fishin’

Dear Dr. Phil,

I am getting ready to retire, and I can hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime — bass fishing.
I’ve got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she does not like fishing. 
 

 Recently, at the Bait &Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn’t care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
 

 A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you’ve ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother!So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she’d get interested.
Instead she says she doesn’t want me to go fishing at all anymore!
And she wants me to sell the boat!
I think she just doesn’t like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do?Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,

PS Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught.

SCROLL DOWN TO SEE PHOTO

Dear Fisherman,
Get rid of that narrow minded wife.  
That’s a nice pair of bass!

(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2007)

FWD: Danger Is My Middle Name

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield

Because he said ….

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.

It’s tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over.. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly… they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

FWD: Diaper Duty

Babies & Fathers

When it comes to diaper duty, some fathers go to the extremes before changing a diaper.

Daddy my Diaper!

#GagReflex

FORWARD THIS TO ALL THE POOR FATHER”S OUT THERE WHO STRUGGLE TO COMPLETE THIS SIMPLE TASK!

(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2008)

FWD: Time To Retire

David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex … ?

10. A below par performance is considered damn good.

9.You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

8. It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.

7. Foursomes are encouraged.

6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.

5. Three times a day is possible.

4. Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else

3. If you live in Florida , you can do it almost everyday.

2. You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.

And the number one reason why golf is better than sex

1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

#2015LettermanRetirement

FORWARD THIS TO ALL YOUR GOLFING BUDDIES & DAVID LETTERMAN FANS!

(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2007)