FWD: TOP TEN

INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS
CHANGED TO OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE PLAN!

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudge cycles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is “an apple a day.”

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is “embalming.”

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’VE JOINED OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE WITH A PULSE!

(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2009)

 

FWD: Presidents Day

COFFEE HURTS

I was eating lunch with my 6-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?”

She said,
“It’s President’s Day!”

She is a smart kid. So, I asked
“What does President’s Day mean?”

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.

She replied,
“President’s Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment.”

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose…

 

Forward this on regardless of your political associations!

Related articles

• Presidents Day isn’t a national holiday (but is a boon to car sales) (constitutioncenter.org)
• Presidents Day is celebrated throughout the United States (examiner.com)

FWD: Economic Woes of the 99%

I’m so poor:

I can’t afford to pay attention!
I can’t even pay you a compliment!
I can’t even put my two cents in the conversation!
I can’t even afford to go to the free clinic!
I have to make jokes about people at their own expense!

DC

---

Economic Woes

Look at my piggy bank after I bought gas this morning.

The Economy is so bad that:

…a picture is now only worth 200 words.

…wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.

…I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

…I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

…if the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,”  you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

…my ATM gave me an IOU!

…I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

…my cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

…a stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

…Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

…parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

…African television stations are now showing ‘Sponsor an American Child’ commercials!

…I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

…McDonald’s is now selling a 1/4 ounce soft drink.

…Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

…Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

…the Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

…CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

…Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

…they renamed Wall Street ” Wal-Mart Street .”

…Barack Obama changed his slogan to “Maybe We Can!”

…a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

…when Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

…Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!!  The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being
investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally…

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.

When they answered I got transferred to a call center in Pakistan, and as soon as I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked me,
“Can you drive a truck?”

Forward this to all those who can’t afford a “penny for their thoughts”!

FWD: Political Honeymoon

Political Honeymoon

You know the honeymoon is over, when the late night talk show comedians start to talk about President Obama.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree…and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
— Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
— Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s’ new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
— Conan O’Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
— Jay Leno

Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
— David Letterman

Q: If  Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
— Jimmy Fallon

Q: What’s the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
— Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the “Cash for Clunkers” program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
— David Letterman