FWD: Government Protection

NEW GOVERNMENT SYMBOL ANNOUNCED

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn’t get more accurate than that!

FORWARD this to all of your friends who like to spread their political views with whoever crosses their path.

(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2009)

 

FWD: The Marine

IF GOD’S TOO BUSY!

If you don’t know GOD, don’t make stupid remarks!!!!!!!

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in the room and looked to the ceiling and flatly stated,
‘God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.’

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed,
‘Here I am God. I’m still waiting’

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,
‘What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?’

The Marine calmly replied,
‘God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.’

IN GOD WE TRUST

And all God’s people said — AMEN!
THIS IS GOOD. KEEP IT GOING.

Happy Veterans Day – Thank you to all those who served & are currently serving our country!

FORWARD THIS ONTO EVERYONE AMERICAN YOU KNOW!

(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2009)

FWD: TOP TEN

INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS
CHANGED TO OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE PLAN!

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudge cycles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is “an apple a day.”

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is “embalming.”

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’VE JOINED OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE WITH A PULSE!

(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2009)

 

FWD: Horses Ass

4 feet – 8.5 Inch Railroad

Engineering specs at their best!

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did “they” use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/ Process and wonder “What horse’s ass came up with it?” you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses’ asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.
These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory
to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass.

And you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important?

Ancient horse’s asses control almost everything…. and CURRENT Horse’s Asses are controlling everything else.

Forward this to anyone who acts like a Horses Ass!

(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2008)

FWD: Pardon Your French

Bread & Croissants ?

(This is a riot!!   Make sure you scroll down to the Map after you read the joke!
Watch for little American Man to walk across the Map.)

An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman:
‘You American folk eat the whole bread?’

American (in a bad mood):
‘Of course.’

French man: (after blowing a huge bubble)
‘We don’t.In France, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states.’

The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists:
‘Do you eat jelly with the bread?’

American:
‘Of Course.’

Frenchman: (Cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
‘We don’t. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states.’

After a moment of silence, The American then asks:
‘Do you have sex in France?’

Frenchman:
‘Why of course we do’,
he says with a big smirk.

American:
‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’

Frenchman:
‘We throw them away, of course.’

American:
‘We don’t. In America , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.’

Hope the American walks across the map for you.

Forward this to all the Americans you know!

(EMAIL FORWARD CIRCA 2009)